14. Self stories

I did a retreat in America at the International Meditation Society (IMS) with Joseph Goldstein. It was a three-month silent retreat. One day, I went to my room and saw piles of papers on the desk. I had been writing nonstop, documenting my thoughts, observations, and inspirations. Seeing that pile of papers, I suddenly felt reduced to just a pile of papers. I thought, "All I am is a pile of papers. I'm not a whole person. I'm just writing stuff." This realization made me feel despaired, and I cried, feeling that I was nothing more than my written words.
I realized this was an important experience. So, every half an hour, I would come back, look at the pile of papers, burst into tears, and see, "I'm nothing. I'm just a pile of paper. I'm zero." Then, I would go back and meditate for another half an hour and repeat the process. I did this maybe ten times. After that, something was released. I felt less compelled to write. Although I continued to have interesting thoughts and kept writing, it was with much less compulsion and identification. It was almost like if I could write clever things or interesting observations, then I was worth something. This experience freed me from that aspect of self-validation through writing.
I've continued writing up to today, but now with less compulsion and identification. This experience freed me from that aspect of ‘selfing’. I had many little instances of freedom from self-stories. In the first retreat I organized in my house, I was running off to Nahariya to buy vegetables and ended up being late for meditation. I hurried back, dropped the vegetables in the kitchen, and ran into the room, breathless. John Coleman said: ‘Ah, Stephen, here you are. You can take us through a body scan now. It was such a shock, after coming in breathless and running. The shock of transitioning from rushing to meditating caused me to completely leave my body. My spirit seemed to float away, and I watched myself from above before returning to my body. This was the only time it happened so dramatically, though I've experienced similar sensations during retreats. Sometimes, I felt like I was outside the door looking in, but I never knew how much was real versus imagination. These experiences often occurred during my personal retreats, not teacher led, which were the most intense.