12. Stepping in, stepping out

We carried on the teachings and way of life we were doing in Jerusalem, but in a much more serious way. We built houses ourselves, grew all our food, and had zero waste — everything was recycled.
In the early days of Klil, there was an "in" group and an "outside" group. The "in" group often cursed those who didn't believe in the teachings, the outsiders who turned up in Klil in various ways. I was part of the "in" group, which had its own issues. One of the difficulties was the prevalent smoking of hash, which was part of the ethos. I was meditating and deeply into Buddhist teachings, but I was also smoking dope, and it didn't quite fit together.
I continued smoking socially with the group until I was 45. One day, I decided to stop. I went into the house and told Rachel, "Today, I will not smoke one more joint, and I will leave that society. Finished with dope, with the grass and the hash. Finished." I couldn't stay with them without smoking; it was too strong. It worked, and it was an important lesson for me. I realized that smoking was taking away some basic vital energy and stopping me from changing. I was meditating, but like trying to row a boat tied to the bank—it didn't go anywhere. Smoking kept putting me back in the old place.
I still know the people in Klil and am friendly with them, but I don't sit with them at night. I had to disconnect from that society and find new friends and connections. I see all of that as part of the birth pains of continually purifying ways to live well. Starting Klil was another step in living well, as was leaving my job in London, being independent, and not controlled by institutions. I did have jobs here and there in Israel, in hospitals and medical schools, on a monthly or hourly basis, but not any long-term relationships with any institutions.
Meditation helped me realize that the laughing, bubbling energy of life was missing. My cells and tissues felt tired and lacked vitality. I realized it was the dope that was putting a grey blanket over me, sapping my energy and blocking my spiritual progress.


Practice