13. Teachers for fear

I had a major breakthrough around 1978-79, which I've often talked about in retreats and classes. I started meditating in 1976 with Goenka's method, practicing daily but not for two hours as recommended. During my time at Chelsea College, I had a tremendous breakthrough in overcoming my fear of public speaking. This fear was deeply rooted in my childhood, when I struggled to communicate with others and often felt psychologically incapable of speaking to more than one person at a time. At Chelsea College, I was required to lecture to 300 students, which caused me immense panic and anxiety.
I used the Goenka meditation practice to address this fear. I focused on experiencing the fear as a physical phenomenon rather than being completely consumed by it. I observed the tension in my stomach, noting how it changed and moved. By externalizing the fear and viewing it as a bodily sensation triggered by specific conditions, I was able to step back and not identify with it.
In one year, this practice helped me completely overcome my fear of public speaking. It never returned. This experience demonstrated the power of meditation and the Buddhist practice in purifying mental constructions, patterns, and addictions. It reinforced my commitment to meditation and led me to participate in 15 retreats in the Goenka style during the 1980s
I was flying to England two or three times a year since there were no retreats in Israel. Rachel and I had a deal: I would go to England for retreats while she managed the farm and children. In return, I wouldn't take a nine-to-five job, staying home to work and being part of the family.
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In the 80s, I was deeply immersed in Buddhist practice, which felt incredibly special and almost secretive. Buddhism was largely unknown in Israel, often misunderstood as a distant religion like Shiva worship in India. I was the only person I knew in Israel with any connection to Buddhist practice, it was a shame it wasn't more widely available, so I decided to host a retreat at my house.
With immense devotion, I spent a month or two transforming my home in Klil. I rebuilt the kitchen in a storeroom to separate it from the sitting room, which I turned into a meditation hall. This was a month of hard work, changing the house into a monastery. I invited John Coleman from the Goenka tradition for a 10-day retreat, managing everything behind the scenes, including running to get vegetables. My friend Nimrod Chainman cooked, and since it was Passover, we only had rice, no wheat. We hosted 30 people, with everyone living in tents or rooms, and my children sleeping in the building, they loved the change and were careful not to disturb the retreat.
After the retreat, it took another month to restore the house. This devotion was crazy, but it was part of our life. Both Rachel and I were ready for such things, always doing unconventional, unexpected things. We started Klil in a similarly crazy manner. Later, Israel Rosman built a warehouse next to his house, which became ‘Mashiv Nefesh’, and we began hosting retreats there instead of my house. I invited teachers like Stephen Batchelor and Christopher Titmus, which expanded my view of Dharma beyond the limited Goenka retreat.
Listening to these teachers felt like stepping out of a small place into a vast universe. Their wisdom teachings were transformative. At that time, I was still one of the few in Israel committed to Dharma, others like Dalia Tamia also started hosting retreats. Everything was based on Dana, with finances scribbled in a notebook, which eventually led to the need for formal organization. We created a nonprofit named ‘Tovana’ to manage the increasing funds from retreats.
We envisioned Tovana to host Buddhist retreats in Israel, focusing on insight style rather than Goenka. We wanted simplicity and authenticity, with retreats involving tent living. This idea took off slowly, growing steadily through word of mouth. Most participants had no prior practice but were curious, having read books by authors like Aldous Huxley or Alan Watts. This curiosity fueled the growth of our retreats.
Let me share some of the meaningful experiences I had while I was practicing and during retreats.